online dating/relationships: Your ... - Talk About Marriage

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Yesterday, 09:03 AM	? #5 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: Just keepin' my side of the street clean Posts: 805	Online dating is a crap shoot. Most of the sites are huge, so it takes time to sift through the possibilities. I tried it, and got a number of unwelcome surprises. Guys who looked nothing like their photos. One guy who claimed to be early 40's, and was closer to 60, some real creeps who pestered me via email. Whew! That doesn't mean you won't find someone, but after three years it sounds like you haven't found anyone that is suitable yet. Do you have friends who can introduce you to other people? Hobbies or clubs you could join? Maybe it's just time to try another route. I met some real jerks via online dating. Some were downright weird, and one started stalking me via email. Apparently, online dating must work for some folks, because they hook up that way. I just found it to be a lot less than the ads promised. __________________ I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option. "When the power of love rises above the love of power, then the world will know peace." Jimi Hendrix
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Yesterday, 09:06 AM	? #6 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: College Town, NH Posts: 1,820	Things are going okay for my relationship where we connected on-line. It hasn't been conflict free by any means. He made the 'mistake' of saying that I was the kind of person he needed in his life, and this was true. But also it works the other way, he is also the kind of person I needed in my life. But the relationship is really a growth process, and besides the affection and attraction, that's what keeps us together, a certain amount of tension that seems to be necessary in order for us to maintain our centers of balance. The thing is, I knew what I was looking for in a relationship. I dated around but even after seeing this person's profile quite a while ago, I can't remember just when, but it was way before we actually met and even before I was involved with my friend who had the brain hemorrhage...I felt that eventually we would meet, and so didn't push it. Ironically, it was him who initiated and not me. Online dating is a good tool to get out and date different people and to observe how you relate to others and what sort of qualities really pique your interest, but if things are too perfect and then explode in your face, you might be 'guilty' of shopping mentality, where you expect the package to be exactly as advertised instead of realizing that the profile is just something that was written at a specific point in time, and that once people are in a relationship, no matter how new, they are going to change, because that is the nature of a relationship...after you click, you have to keep going, what really matters is how change/growth/life occurs/evolves in a relationship. You might end up with someone who is not really interested in doing the work involved in a relationship, who doesn't enjoy the process and just wants a finished project to install in their life. Those kind of relationships are bound to explode and end badly, because humans aren't designed to hang on the wall as a finished project. They move around, change shape, come and go, have needs, have vocations that are important to them...loving is a difficult thing to do. It's not an on-off switch, it's like a dually controlled light with two dimmer switches. It takes a while to get synchopated, and honestly, when things get out of synch, you have to have a commitment to keep drumming, and not be cowed down by periods of confusion when things don't seem right. It's a process. It could be that you are letting go too easily, when conflict occurs instead of embracing it as part of a relationship and getting in rhythm and balance with each other, you are taking it as a sign of failure instead. Perhaps you are overly sensitive, or prone to over-reacting to someone keeping their feet on the ground, and taking it as rejection instead of their commitment to self which doesn't exclude a relationship...people make blunders in communication...so waiting for clarification or asking for clarification...etc. Accepting imperfection and frustration along with the 'click'.
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Yesterday, 10:55 AM	? #10 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Canada Posts: 3,473	yeah, I'm about ready to give up on the online thing, will leave my profile up, maybe send the occasional message if I see something worth commenting on. Tired of women either not replying, or else the 1 in 30 that do telling me we wouldn't have chemistry ( uh you don't even know me, too soon to tell - OHHHHH, you mean you are looking for a tall athletic outgoing guy, yet your profile has been on here over a year, have fun finding a keeper like that now you are 38 and have three kids). not too many real people on there, and the few who are are being inundated by creeps to the point other real people can't gt through. Anyways, I'm a little excited for my date tonight, with a real lady who I met in person (and whom also happened to give up on online dating).
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Yesterday, 11:06 AM	? #12 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: College Town, NH Posts: 1,820	Quote: thanks all. well to be honest i dont let things go easily. but sadly others do. its just how it is. too much drama and games and you end up being made a fool out of. so i know im not at fault at all. I am self aware and believe in improving yourself for the better especially via reflection and constructive criticism. if someone cant be there for me emotionally or even make the time then its already doomed no matter how much you stick at it. i did but benefited nothing. but anyway... in my experience. they just play games and dont want to meet at all. or only to be spoiled for the one evening by dinner and then never to be heard from again because they make excuse or "found someone else". its difficult. very. unnecessarily. i just kind of feel im almost there but still far away. so im taking another, last, chance. That's all good information, especially that you are a stick-to-it kind of person. It could be you need to change up your profile to be a bit more challenging, so that only people who feel up to it will approach you or accept your advances. There is such a thing as being too broadly appealing. Narrow down your critera rigidly. Lon beats me up for this but I immediately screened out anyone who golfed or drove snowmobiles, or had photos of themselves at resorts or in fancy places. I absolutely refused to date someone who had to spend too much time in a suit or any other environment in which he didn't look comfortable, and who had a different sense of time than me (I work from home, my time is constantly in flux, both on a day to day basis as well as longer term). Someone who spent money on unnecessary stuff was also a loser in my filtering process. As well as people who wanted to text a lot but never connect in person. I have kids, who have specific needs, my son is an artist, my daughter is a dancer/gymnast, we are all dancers in our family, especially me, and I'm a writer. So I needed to find someone who had a respect and understanding for the life and needs of artists, and who preferably also lived that sort of life. And, someone who was not going to look at my life and say, well, it doesn't fit with mine. That is, someone with an understanding that it's what we do in the present time that shapes the future, and that pre-deciding how things should or will work out logistically is a very very bad thing to do. That a relationship is based on the here and now and must evolve. On that note, I limited the distance I was willing to accept to no more than 20 miles. You can't connect with someone, in my book, if you live in different worlds. Finally, there needed to be growth potential, that is, I need to feel that I am present in the relationship as an active agent of it, not that I am filling a role that has been defined in someone else's life. If I'm in someone's life, I consider it an invitation to be there as myself, not filling some position according to a job description or bending my will and spirit to fit in. And the same leeway is provided to the other person. The truth of the matter is, you really have to be more discriminating about selection, and to be unapologetic about it, and learn to tell the differernce from someone who is yanking your chain or playing a role, and someone who is genuine. It's a sort of instinct. A lot of people on these sites are posers, that is, they're not really satisfied with their lives and are looking for a rescue via a relationship. That's very different from saying, I'm ready for a relationship but I'm imperfect and this is where I'm at. It could be that you need to call people out earlier on their issues and watch for their reaction, and weed out defensive people. You should be doing an equal number of rejections as rejections that you receive. Really internet dating or dating at all is a process of weeding out improbablities while refining your sense of what it is you're looking for, which you already know, but may take a while to connect to. If you view the whole experience as a process, including the art of passing through someone's life briefly for a date or two or three or whatever it takes to get a handle on them, it's much easier to accept the 'failures' as successes. Moving people out of their defined environment is also a good idea, and being able to see them in their own space, uncensored, is also a good idea. You can tell a lot about a person by how they arrange their life at home or wherever it is that they spend time. It's typical to have a lot of dates that don't work out. For this reason, I think it's good to have a few dates with different people planned out in your near future, as well as open-ended social activities that you absolutely know you will enjoy, with people you get along with. That acts as a sort of buffering for whatever happens with the dates, and doesn't leave you so emotionally exposed. Finally, there is a difference between going after what you want, vs. seeing something that looks like what you want, and finding out if it is or not. Pre-deciding or only looking at positive, qualifying information may cloud judgement about what's really not acceptable for you. Be honest with yourself about what you can and can't tolerate. If you are accepting something that you can't tolerate, or think you might be able to change later on, your date might pick up on that and back off before it becomes an issue. Honestly, you sound like a person who is ready for a relationship and really wants to connect with someone. The best you can do is to offer friendship sincerely and to see what happens after that. The one who is ready and interested will stick around, and the others will drift off and that's actually a good thing. Don't overextend yourself or give in to any kind of manipulation, of course I don't think you will, and honestly, I think it's worked to your advantage as it's possible you've just not met someone who is willing to date on a level playing ground.
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Yesterday, 11:31 AM	? #13 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 81	thank you. i appreciate your valuable response and time given to reply. believe me, ive done everything you could ever imagine. sadly, just too many players out there. and im sick of it. i slipped into severe depression a while ago (couple of years) because of it. took time out, tried again but was still pretty bad people (the depression was cured after taking time out). I know when people are yanking my chain but sadly, there is too many of them. its just difficult. I dont get why people must do these things you know? I know what I want. and I dont ask for much either. im not a judgemental person or have stupid strict criterias which are unrealistic. its simple - i want to love, and want some back too. want to be there through the bad times and the good times. I expect the same in return. I want commitment and IF it goes to marriage then great but if not - then no problem. One step at a time. but in my unfortunate experience, its never been easy. too many excuses from people or they are on the rebound or they are living with their ex or.... whatever else. its disappointing.
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